You may have noticed that we don’t have any ads here. Kinda conspicuous by their absence, I guess. Probably a couple of reasons why. Number one: they’re an eyesore. They’re all flashy, trying to get your attention and so forth, distracting you from the content you came here to see. That’s probably the biggest reason. You also have to consider that we would sort of be making money off of artists, you see — you come here to hear awesome music, for free, and we make a little coin off you on the side. Doesn’t feel right. Of course, that’s assuming that the ads even work, which they don’t Have you ever clicked on an ad on purpose? Have you ever bought something based on an ad that you wouldn’t have purchased anyway? Have ads ever served as anything other than a reminder that Samsung still makes televisions?
I’m obfuscating the real point here. The real reason is that I’m not very good at ads. I know, you don’t have to make the ads, other people do that; it’s more that I don’t have very good taste in ads. See, I always thought I’d be a great advertising executive, because I know what gets people’s attention. You know what gets people’s attention? Acting out. Weird shit. Stuff that seems . . . off, somehow. Scary stuff, not like surprises and Lovecraftian horrors, but more like “I’m sure that company would have fired the person responsible for that if they weren’t afraid there’d be an ‘incident.’”
I always wanted to make this ad: it’s a typical middle-American well-to-do family at a summer barbecue. Sunny day, steaks and hamburgers on the grill, kite-flying and other pastoral activities. Everyone talks to the camera about how much they love Heinz 57 Steak Sauce, about how it makes anything taste better. Everyone, EVERYONE sports massive, prominent erections. Nobody acknowledges them in any way. The blonde housewife — nipples protruding like frozen olives — makes a marinade out of steak sauce and lemon juice. Her grilling husband kisses her on the cheek, and they smile. All their friends get together for a communal joyful exclamation: “Heinz 57 is the best!” Huge erections everywhere. You like it? Here’s another one. It’s the adoration of the Magi. The first wise man presents Mary and Joseph with gold, the second with frankinsense, the third with Heinz 57 steak sauce. Mary and Joseph exchange glances — it’s been a long hard winter, and they’re hungry. When the Wise Men leave, they cook and eat the baby Jesus with steak sauce. That would get your attention. You wouldn’t like it, but you’d notice it, and you’d talk about it at work, and you’d buy a lot of fucking steak sauce.
Our ads would suck, because I would pick them. I’d pick the ads that make the products look bad. Because, frankly, most things you can buy are not worth buying. You had a Starburst lately? What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and the only thing in the world left to eat was Starburst? You would kill yourself, wouldn’t you? Suppose you got in trouble with the Yakuza and you were abandoned in the middle of a highway in rural Japan, minus a finger, and you had to walk for six days to the nearest gas station. You haven’t eaten, you drink half-empty beers you find on the side of the road, you sleep in leaves. You get to the gas station and all they have is Starburst. How many would you eat? You’ve got a million yen you stole from the Yakuza, so you can have as many as you want. I bet, after all that, you would eat about a pack and a half of Starburst in the gas station, and that’d be about all you can stand.
You know what, I changed my mind. I want Starburst to advertise on this site. I’m going to ruin your brand, and you’ll love me for it. I’m going to make your brand appeal to the wrong demographic. I’m going to make a bunch of crazy right-wing Starburst ads. Like, okay. It’s a banner ad, it just has two rifles crossed over the American flag, and it says in big letters “OBAMA WANTS TO TAKE AWAY YOUR STARBURST.” Or maybe an animation of Justice Sonia Sotomayor spanking Glenn Beck while Nancy Pelosi gives all his Starburst to minorities. We’ll figure something out.
Anyway. Here’s what I was listening to while I wrote this.
Volume 10 – “Pistol Grip Pump”
Wale – “The Grown Up”
Stereolab – “Household Names”
