After 6 shots of Patróon to get me in the zone for a Friday night out on the District – I was chilling on my phone talking to some famous actor in Hollywood (see dancer above) when I saw something awesome. A hot chick. Not just any hot chick. A drop dead gorgeous hot chick. Lucky for me your mom had JUST LEFT so I didn’t even need to worry about making her jealous with my piercing/unwavering stare. Now this was not your average hot chick… this was the kind you sell your soul to the devil to be with for a night of possibilities. Curses to me for having the Patrón hit me hard right there and then. As she approached me – a homeless looking dude grabbed slash pinched her ass. Out of control. He almost lost his life. Lucky for him he kept walking and left her alone as I would have fucking ended him. Not because what he did was wrong… mostly just because I’m competitive as fuck.

She was quite taken aback as she walked by me (either out of pure shock that a random dude pinched her or she was stunned by my stunning good looks – both are common occurrences when I roll through any U.S. city). I somehow tricked her into to talking with me. Instead of seeing if I could remember 10 of her digits in the correct order I decided it would be a better idea to try to get back on the phone with my friend. Who is a dude. Fuck me. She ended up walking away. Probably disappointed that I didn’t try to invite her back to my hotel room. At night.

It was about ten minutes later when I realized how dumb I was (if I only had 8 bucks for every time that happened). My only course of action at this point was to put these two Ratatat remixes on repeat and cry into the phone while your mother consoled me in my fragile state.***

I’m pretty much obsessed with all things Ratatat right now. If I woke up one day and found that Ratatat had remixed any of my music I’d know for a fact that I was dead and chilling in heaven with some hot bitches. I can’t fucking wait.

Best heard while gearing up for a night out on the District. But don’t ever fucking take advice from me. Why not? Did you just read everything I just wrote? Word.

Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel – “Glock Nines (Ratatat)”
Notorious B.I.G – “Party and Bullshit (Ratatat)”

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