I wish people would stop talking about Tiger Woods’ “demons”. Are you fucking kidding me? Demons? He was having sex with tons of hot chicks. He’s not a director drugging and boinking little kids or anything. No, he’s a dude worth a billion dollars having sex with porn stars and cougars. In my land we call people like that “awesome” and demons like that: “Guardian Angels”. So basically the two top sports related stories of the past twenty years involve two SUVs. One going top speed in a Ford Bronco… away from the cops and one traveling at almost negative speed into a golf club fire hydrant.
Now, after all the numbers started coming out – only one actually shocked me. While everyone else was saying things like “OMG! SIX WOMEN! OMG! That’s so many…” my only thoughts were “Six? It has to be higher than that.”
If you’re worth a billion dollars – no number of people you are currently sleeping with would surprise me. None. It could be 275. You are not getting a pulse.
So, it wasn’t ‘how many women tiger has sexted’ or ‘fucked’. No, there was one number that was so ridiculous, I had to triple check it. And let me put it this way: I don’t often check facts.*
Question: Do you know how much Tiger Woods’ house in Orlando is worth? Take a guess. Nope.
Answer: Two point four million dollars.
2.4
2.4
2 point fucking 4.
If you think Ms. “I used to be a model” Woods came after Tigre because she found out he was cheating…you’re fucking kidding yourself. She came after him because she found out how much their house cost. 2.4 million dollars is like…30 decked out Escalades. She deserves better.
All I know is that I’m officially boycotting any company that drops him as a sponsor (insert AT&T joke here**). If you can’t support the greatest athlete of our time having tons of awesome crazy sex with hot chicks…I cannot support your product. Not in good conscience.
I think it’s only fitting that I introduce you to two things right now. 1) The song Promiscuous as remixed by Flying Lotus. 2) The band Liechtenstein.
Liechtenstein is from Sweden. Promiscuous is a song about having sex with a chick you meet in a club. If I have to beat you over the head with the parallels here I will. I seriously will. Step closer.
Flying Lotus makes sounds that are just plain heavy. They measure his beats in richter. And they are good. I don’t know how else to describe his stuff. I won’t try. Just know that Promiscuous is one of my favorite songs ever because Nelly Furtado is so hot I would…ahh the list is too long and I’m too lazy to type it out. She’s really hot. Like I can’t stand up right now because I’m thinking about her hot. Flying 7/8 mast just thinking about her kind of hot. I hope you understand where I’m coming from here. This version is better than the original. It’s a fucking crime that Flying Lotus isn’t being recruited to produce every major hip-hop album for the next three years. Is there anyone we can arrest for this ungodly act of horror?
Nelly Furtado – “Promiscuous” (Flying Lotus remix)
Liechtenstein – “All At Once”
Liechtenstein – “Stalking Skills”
* Seriously
** Dear Katie, I’m aware I didn’t make that joke up
*** Taylor Swift fucking blows. Google it.
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Comments ( 2 )
[...] since Adam brought up Flying Lotus, here’s his remix of ‘A Milli.’ Yeah, that song is played out by now, but [...]
Too Much Happiness » I Got It For Free On The Internet added these pithy words on Jan 10 10 at 9:13 amella added these pithy words on Jan 05 10 at 12:46 pmfirst time i read you… and im laughing so hard!!!… accurate and different point of view ’bout what’s happenin to tiger woods.. feel like im leaving the hugh grant affair all over again… and now who remembers that?.. he’s still gettin the jobs and being hugh grant.. bookmarked!
